A Breakup Letter to the Pee Hole

Here’s what I’m talking about. A boy in the family named it that, and it was his favorite thing about my house. Its proper name is a cleanout, but obviously I’ve found a more pressing use for it than cleaning my soil pipe. I found the blocks of wood lying around and put them there to save my knees.



Dear Pee Hole,

I know we’ve had over a year together, but I’ve come to realize that it’s time to move on. You’ve been there for me during some challenging times, but I need more than you can give me. My female friends won’t have anything to do with you, and sometimes I feel like you’re not able to take my shit.

And on top of that, there’s someone else in my life now. Someone who can provide what I really need. My Elger.

selfie with toilet

As you can see, we’re very happy together. And special thanks to my best friend Tim* who is putting his Yale masters in graphic design to good use. Sorry Phil, I guess the house is a little less cool now, but maybe you’ll still like that I have a bathroom with no door. After a full year, having this hooked up is a really, really big deal.

*Note to other friends: I have awarded the title of best friend to multiple people.

So now here’s a look at what I have now. Much more civilized! Even if it is still a little too open concept. Also, the temporary sink that came with the house looks pretty funny in what’s turned out to be (to me and for my little house) a really big bathroom.


Now if I wasn’t happy enough about this, guess what else I got this week! FREE BELGIAN BLOCKS! PGW was ripping up a portion of Broad Street to repair a gas main and I saw them sitting in the big pile of dirt and asphalt and concrete chunks. So I asked them what was going to happen with them and they said they were going to dump them back in along with everything else to backfill the pipe. So I showed up with my (dad’s) dolly and got a pretty excellent workout.

IMG_1471Yes, I’m pretty ecstatic. These aren’t cheap. They’re also completely useless to me for at least a year or two, during which time they’ll stay in a pile pretty much like this. After that I’m thinking of building a retaining wall to have a raised bed. It beats jackhammering the concrete out, eh?

And… I’ve built the water table moulding that’s going in below the siding on the cantilevered bay on the back. Looks like real progress on the DIY work is picking up again.



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9 thoughts on “A Breakup Letter to the Pee Hole

  1. Bob

    Hi Chad. I’ll make sure Phil see this. He’ll be disappointed, but unlike you, he does have other pots to pee in.


  2. Mary Elizabeth

    Bob beat me to the punch. I was going to say that now you finally have a pot to piss in. Only serious renovators know how exciting a toilet installation can be. It’s a giant leap toward civilization. You can always build another vanity when you get around to it, Chad.


  3. CindyH

    I was excited when we got our new toilet! It was quite a journey picking one – I went through so many reviews that I was thinking there was no toilet that was good. But we’re happy so far with our Wellworth Classic 1.28 GPF so far. Hopefully we’re past the days of regular backups and overflows.

    Unlike Phil, I will not be disappointed to see the pee hole go!

    BTW, how did you decide on the Elger?


    1. Chad's Crooked House Post author

      It came with the house. It needed all new bolts, gaskets, etc because it was originally installed incorrectly and had been leaking for years, and we spent 45 minutes dismantling and cleaning it.


  4. Mary Elizabeth

    Chad, we had a blue toilet we had years ago that was very nice looking but that always got clogged–partly the fault of a manufacturing defect in the vitreous china and partly the fault of small children who liked to see small toys like Fisher Price Peg People swirling around in the makeshift water park. So DH dismantled and examined it, cleaned it out nicely, and in the end decided to replace it with a better model. This next part I think I told you when you left lumber in your mom’s living room at Thanksgiving. Problem was, the new toilet was installed the day after Christmas, and the old toilet could not be brought to the town dump, which was closed for the holiday. So the blue toilet ended up in the garden by the front steps, where it would greet the entire family, coming for a Christmas party the next day. My neighbor hastily cut some holly from her holly bush, gathered up some evergreen boughs, and voila! the blue toilet became a holiday planter. But we didn’t fool anyone. Every guest entered through the front door laughing hysterically.


  5. CindyH

    Got so excited about the toilet that I forgot about the awesome FREE Belgian blocks! That is a major score, no matter how long you wait ’til you use them.


  6. Jo

    One who’s been without the common commode can truly understand why the highest hand in poker is called “a flush”. Enjoy. Jo @ Let’s Face the Music



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